Monday, December 5, 2011

Dating Chronicles: "Speed Dating"

The man I've been dating for the past 3 months
(in my deepest, darkest, most vivid fantasy)! LOL!
Picture courtesy on bottom left... (basically I
swiped this pic while stalking his Twitter page).
Lazzzzzzz!!!! Where are you? Save me love! Please!
This will be sort of like a roll call of men that I've encountered over the past few months while I was on blogging vacation.  Some of them I went on a date or two with, some I totally ignored, some are still hanging around by a thread, and some think we dated but failed to run that by me for approval (ummm no, Johnny I'm not in a relationship with you??).  With that, let me bring you honeeyz up to speed so you know what I've endured experienced as of late.  In the future, I'll try to post regularly what happens in my dating life as it unfolds.  But to be truthful, I'm avoiding the whole dating thing like the plague as of lately but trust me, you will not be bored b/c the things I go through and the fools I meet are worthy of a blog on its own.  So enjoy... on me! 

I've never had any issues getting a decent amount of play (I'm not bragging; I'm just saying).  It doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm looking like (sweaty in the gym with hair tied back; in the grocery store with PJs on; etc), there is always some man or men that have something to say (it's usually something stupid and unworthy but they always got something to say).  My kids are witnesses, particularly Princess Cierra, who acts like my personal security when it comes to men...watching and scowling and barking at the men before they get a chance to say much of anything.  Anyways, here is a speedy rendition of a few of the "shining stars" in the bunch...(SIGHH):

Bachelor #1: The Little Boys -- I don't know what is going on as of late, but all the little boys want to come out and play??  I will say this here and now, I don't like guys younger than me.  I prefer a more seasoned MAN... 35 and up.  But bc my BFFs say I'm being too picky and dramatic in my dating life, I try to open my horizons and in came a slew of little kids.  There is the 28-year-old pharmacist and the 26-year-old medical student who are in rotation off and on right now.  Both are clearly educated and mature, but I swear when they start giggling at their own goofy little jokes it is difficult for me to endure.  So at this moment I'm dodging and avoiding both of them b/c I can only take them in small doses... the whole daycare thing is just hard for me!! My son is 15-years-old and I can barely deal with him on a regular basis so well you know.... I'm not saying all younger guys are problematic but you have to be prepared to endure those moments, big or small, when the gigantic child comes out of them. Sometimes its fun b/c with youthfulness comes spontaneity and adventure but at times it can be a bit much.  Proceed with caution!!
More bachelor categories after the break......

Bachelor #2: The Desperados -- The desperado is one that is way too needy and desperate too fast!  That's the insistent texter/caller, the one that wants to go from zero to 60 by date 3, the one that starts talking about kids, marriage and exclusivity on the 1st date (yes, honeyyz the same stories they tell about women is the same stories that I have about men) and anyone who knows me, knows I just CAN'T deal.  I can't.  Example, I went to a happy hour in DC with a friend.  We went to a popular lounge and immediately after sitting down I had a line of drinks coming at me, well I had three drinks. The first guy was anonymous. The second guy sent the bartender over to ask what I wanted... a Cosmo, but of course.  I looked back to see who it was and he seemed pretty attractive and laid back.  When we left out I stopped and chatted with him and he gave me his number. I lost the number but found it a few months ago. I text him and we decided to go out to eat.  It was cool.  We chatted over the next few days and he invited me to go to a few places and meet some of his friends. I was a little hesitant but told him we could make it work.  UNTIL, this fool texts me and asks if it is ok for him to introduce me as his girlfriend?? But I'm not your girlfriend. I don't even know you. I've had dinner with you once?? I've talked to you for a few days? What is wrong with you!!!! I swear these people are nut cases! I try to give him a pass after explaining to him that his request was inappropriate. So we go back to chatting.  Howard University's homecoming comes around the following week and he asks what I have planned for the weekend.  I tell him my friends and I haven't decided yet.  I ultimately decide to pass on the whole thing, too many young college kids and just too much traffic.  I come home that Friday night and decide to head upstairs to my gym for a workout and chill the rest of the weekend.  While sweating it out on the treadmill, I get a nasty text from this idiot that read, "I thought you were gonna tell me where you were going!! You suck and I hope you don't enjoy your night!!!" Mind blowing.  Needless to say I asked him to lose my number and commenced to ignoring him over the next week that he continued to text me and tell me he was so sorry but he's really emotional like that (including with a woman he doesn't know). Goodbye and good ridden!

Bachelor #3: The Happily Married Man Seeking a Wonderful Jumpoff -- I honestly believed that these types of scumbags only existed on TV,  however, I found out otherwise. About two months ago a few of my female colleagues went out to eat for lunch and when we were leaving the restaurant I noticed the most handsomest (is that a word), distinguished, well dressed dude coming down the street making a bunch of faces and head turns in my direction.  He finally motioned for me to come across the street....I gladly obliged (he was super yummy).  He gave me his card and confessed that he was actually in the DC area from Philly (yaaayyy) so he doesn't get down this way very much but would love to go out sometime soon.  Later that day he sent me an email.  The next day he called and left a voicemail  with a phone number.  When I called, I went to his work VM which got my eyebrow raised really high. So my voice message went a little like "ummm hi, why don't I have your cell phone or home number? Why do you keep pushing your office number on me? Ok, yea call me! Bye."  The next day I get another email from him that read
"hey, I know you're wondering why I gave you my office number but the truth is (got the nerve to use the term truth) I am married with two wonderful boys (note the adjective wonderful describes his boys and not his marriage) but I couldn't help myself when I saw you.  I'd love to still see if we can work this thing out but it would be purely physical.  Let me know if that works for you. Sincerely, Scum of the Earth!"  
Ok, so I improvised with the signature, but you get the point.  My mind was really blown. I didn't even take the time to respond to advise him how disgusting he was because I'm pretty certain he felt it while he was typing his grand proposal.  I simply forwarded his emails to all my girlfriends for shared disgust and then I deleted it and him from my mind.  NEXT!!!!  I hope I don't have to tell you Honeeyz how you are always above a piece of scum like that and there is no amount of love, sex, companionship or whatever else that is worth totally demoralizing yourself to the extent that you would be willing to accept a proposal such as this. YUCK!!

Bachelor #4: The Repeat -- I have a handful of guys that no matter how many times I tell them that I'm not interested in dating them anymore, getting more serious, or dealing with any of their persistent nonsense they just won't go away.  Part of this is my fault.  The ones who fall in this category are usually ones that I actually like and have fun with but I either don't like them enough to be serious or I don't like something about them that prevents us from getting serious.  These guys aren't desperate they are just stubborn.  They don't stalk me (well actually they do but I call it persistence versus stalking).  They just want what they want (Moi) but refuse to do something or change something that would put them in a whole other category (serious prospect).  This is somewhat the more difficult group to deal with.  But I think identifying them is more than half the battle b/c you now know who they are and how to operate around them... with caution!

So there you have it! I have a group of crazy men that I'm sometimes forced to have dinner with, watch a movie with, stroll through a museum with, have a text message or verbal (does anyone do that anymore) conversation with, play a round of scrabble with, etc.  Most of these events are done with my eyeballs rolled all the way to the back of my head but one day there will be a LAZ ALONSO for me to have in for real life and when I do, it's gonna be just perfect!!! For now, I actually do have fun dating and talking about it and having my own autonomy.  I was married for my entire youth and I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my new found freedom, which might be part of the reason why I do a lot of the dating with my eyes rolled....I probably would rather just date myself for now! I mean I'm just so darn cute and sweet and fun and savvy!!! :-)  Anyways, what kinda of Bachelor are you honeeyz dating... single or married, do share!!!???!! 


  1. I don't know where you find these people. I know you've detailed that part, but these people are more likely from another planet!

  2. I love the picture of your boo!!! He is so fine BFF

  3. BFF this was so hilarious!!! I pray that you will find that someone special just right for you...BTW I'm dating a single man whose birthday is today..oh and start sending me those emails too

  4. I'm floored at #3, not just because he's married - also because he's trolling for mistresses via his work phone number! Who does that!!?

  5. Losers Eb! That's who!
    Shimica, did you find him that cake?

  6. @anonymous, they say men are from mars so....
    @shimica, keep the prayers coming bc I certainly need them considering the nonsense I have to deal with. And happy birthday to your date/boo. You gonna wear a cute little "halloween" outfit or what?? LOL
    @Eboni, when I read that mess I was looking around my office like "is this for real? am I being punked? where are the cameras??" I mean I was totally blown b/c he was just so ignorant and matter of fact with it, which leads me to believe that he does this quite often and unfortunately some insecure, foolish behind woman falls for it.
    @Shan, if you and Shimica don't get somewhere!!!! OMG. LOL.

  7. Lee- This post made me laugh if for no other reason than I know the feeling all too well! It's unendingly frustrating but gotta keep going if for no other reason than blog material!

  8. No worries Lauren, I'm having lots of fun and not taking any of it serious. Just good old fun and blog material for you honeeyz! :-)


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